Heybabeimwearingurpanties
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Randomize
