Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
