I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
