Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
