I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
