Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
