sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
