they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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