What a fucking waste of an outfit
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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