I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
