i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
