Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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