When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
