i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My cat gives me a boner
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
