so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
