Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
