Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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