I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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