Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
