The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Threesome in a minivan. New low
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
