Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
