new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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