my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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