the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
