I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
