Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I need to align my fucking chakras
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
