smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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