last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
