Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
