do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
