Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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