he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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