grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
