If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
