You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
