Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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