My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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