dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
