God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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