Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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