I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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