No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
