just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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