Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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