Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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