I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
