Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
