i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
