ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
They are going to name an STD after you.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
