in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
What a dumb baby whore.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
