never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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