Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
