I accidentally had phone sex last night
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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