I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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