I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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